An Interview With Darren Shan and Co
by S.L. Gibbs
Summary: Let's ask the Darren Shan characters pointless questions and make them do stupid stuff!
1. Steve Has A Stick

"What are we doing here?" Steve asked.

"The Boss has writer's block," Darren explained.

"More like she's too lazy to update her proper fics." Steve chuckled.

"You know, you're probably right," Darren noted. "Anyway, what should we do?"

Steve gave Darren a look that the raven-haired boy knew all too well.

"This is a K-rated fic!" Darren exclaimed before the grey-haired boy could say anything.

Steve frowned. "I don't know then."

They're master, SL, suddenly floated down from God-knows-where and appeared next to them.

"You're right," She mused. "I really should've thought about what was going to happen before I started typing. I don't even know where we are right now."

"Let's just say we're at the Cirque du Freak." Darren suggested. Immediately the tents and vans began to materialize all around them.

"So now this story is actually set somewhere," SL said. "Now what are you two going to do?"

SL gave Darren the same look Steve had a while ago.

"I thought you weren't a yaoi fangirl." Darren commented dryly.

"I have my moments," SL shrugged. "I've got it! How about we make this one of those interview fics?"

"Interview fics?" Steve echoed.

"You know, those fics where you can ask the characters questions and make them do stupid stuff." SL explained.

"What kind of stuff?" Darren questioned, looking terrified.

"Don't worry; we'll keep it G-rated just for you." SL laughed.

"Darn." Steve muttered.

SL turned to their imaginary audience. "So, everyone, ask your questions. Tell me what you want to see them do. And it doesn't have to be just Steve and Darren – they're just my mascots."

"I thought Len Kagamine was your mascot." Darren pointed out.

"Yes, but you're my other mascots." Her voice turned to a whisper. "Oh, and sometimes I might just break that G-rated promise. If you bribe me with Len Kagamine or Steve."

"I heard that!" Darren cried.

SL shushed him. "So review to ask. Do it. Or I'll send Steve after you."

"I have a stick." Steve announced proudly.


	2. RV Rests in Pieces and Kurda's Kiss

SL: We're switching to writing like this because it's easier and it was what I had originally planned to do anyway.

Steve: Okay. So what're we doing?

SL: First of all I'd like to apologize for not updating in forever on any of my fics. I'm not going to say I was busy, because that would be a lie. I was on holiday for the last 2 weeks, but really it's because I'm a lazy douche bag.

Darren: Okay, so we've established that you're a lazy douche bag. Now, what are we doing? And will it scar me for life?

SL: The first thing – probably not. The second thing - yes.

Darren: T_T Give me the nice one first then.

SL: Well, it's not actually nice. You both have to kill RV for _Ozuma thy Awesome_.

Steve: Meh, none of the other vampaneze will miss him much. Let's get it over with so we can find out what the second thing is *wiggles eyebrows*.

Darren: Do you know?

Steve: No, but I'm hoping it involves me and you making out.

SL: *Giggling*

Steve: What's so funny?

SL: Well, it's not quite that, Steve. Anyway, hurry up and kill RV so we can all find out.

RV: *Falls from the sky* Ow! Couldn't you lower me gently, man?

Steve: Shut up and die! *Hits in with a stick*

Darren: Er, Steve? I don't really think a stick is going to kill him.

Steve: That's what you think. This is a magical stick S.L. gave me to attack all the people that don't review with. *Hits him again*

RV: *Screams like a girl, rolls over and dies*

Darren: And just for good measure… *Finds a knife and chops his feet off*

SL: Great! Now we can find out the second thing. Will our special guest please come out?

Kurda: *Steps out from behind a curtain*

Steve: Was that there a minute ago?

SL: Hush! Now, as requested by an unknown reader, Darren, you must make out with Kurda!

Kurda: *Wiggles eyebrows*

Darren: What? No!

SL: You have to – I am the god of this world.

Darren: Can I switch to truth?

SL: This isn't Truth or Dare, Darren.

Darren: *Sighs* Fine.

Kurda: Come here, handsome.

Steve: No, Darren! You can't!

SL: But he must! *Dramatic music starts playing*

*Kurda and Darren are making out in a very sexual manner until Steve gets fed up and pulls them apart*

SL: Give it up for our special guest, Kurda!

*Imaginary audience claps as Kurda exits the imaginary stage*

Steve: So, is that it then?

SL: Actually, I have one more thing for you to do.

Steve: Does it involve making out with Darren?

SL: No. _RangaJess _requested that I send you after them anyway despite the fact that they did review. Do you have your stick?

Steve: *Raises stick* Yup!

SL: Then go get 'em.

Steve: *Runs off* (**A/N: **You can decide for yourselves what Steve did to _RangaJess _lol)

SL: So that concludes today's chapter. Thanks for reading and please review. Say goodbye, Darren.

Darren: Goodbye, Darren. (**A/N: **Lol, couldn't resist)


	3. Confessions and Killings

S.L. GIBBS, Y U ALWAYS FORGET DISCLAIMER IN THIS FIC? I not own da _Saga of Darren Shan_, yo.

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><p>Darren: I WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO TALK!<p>

SL: …

Darren: Steve always talks before me – I wanted to talk first.

Steve: …

Darren: Oh, come on. Someone say something!

?: I love you, Darren!

Darren: I love you too, Steve.

Steve: Er…that wasn't me. But I do love you.

Darren: I hope you don't mean in _that_ way – I'm not gay.

SL: *Giggles* That reminds me of one of the things you'll be doing later today.

Darren: T_T Does it involve me making out with someone again?

SL: Sadly, no. We'll have no making out in this chapter for the readers' sake – I think everyone's still traumatized from the last chapter.

Darren: I doubt they're more traumatized than me.

?: Darren, be mine!

Darren: Steve, I told you – I'm not gay!

Steve: Since when was my voice so high-pitched and annoying?

?: _Darren!_

Darren: Boss, who is that?

Steve: Yeah, I recognize the voice. Whoever it is sounds annoying.

Debbie: *Falls from the sky* Ow! Darren, I love you!

Steve: Oh, no.

Darren: Er…hi, Debbie.

SL: Don't get too friendly with her, Darren. You must throw her in with the Wolf Man as requested by _Tainted Black 13 _and _DarrenShanForeva123._

Steve: Yay!

Debbie: What? Darren, you wouldn't do that to me, would you?

Darren: Er…

Debbie: You shouldn't have to think about it!

SL: It doesn't matter, because he doesn't have any choice. *Pulls curtain from the top of the cage* Now, Darren! _Kill her._

Steve: That wasn't there a moment ago, was it? How does she do that?

Darren: *Picks Debbie up*

Debbie: No, Darren! I love you!

Darren: I'm sorry, Debbie. *Opens the cage and throws Debbie in*

-Censored-

SL: So, Steve, now it's your turn. You must confess your undying love to *giggles* Paris Skyle.

Steve: What? But he's old! Who would request that?

SL: _MOeMoE KaGAmI. _Now do it so we can all find out something about Darren *giggles*.

Darren: Oh, no.

Paris: *Appears out of nowhere* What am I doing here?

SL: Steve has something he wants to say to you.

Paris: Steve? You mean…the Lord of the Vampaneze?

SL: Well, he was. Now he's just the father of my children.

Paris: Um…okay?

Steve: Erm, Paris? I love you. Bye! *Tries to run off*

SL: *Grabs him* Hey, Stevey-poo, that's not good enough!

Steve: *Sighs and gets on one knee* Paris, I love you. I always have. Will you marry me?

SL & Darren: *Rolling on the floor laughing*

Paris: No.

SL & Darren: *Laughing harder*

Steve: B-but why?

Paris: You are not my type.

Steve: T_T

Paris: *Disappears*

Steve: *Cries in the corner* Why are the readers so evil?

SL: Steve, come back. I think you'll enjoy this next thing.

Steve: *Looks up* Do I get to make out with Darren?

SL: No.

Steve: *Goes back to crying and muttering*

SL: So, Darren, also asked by _MOeMoE KaGAmI, _if you were gay, who would you hook up with?

Darren: Er…

Steve: *Rushes to Darren's side* It's me, right?

Darren: Er…

SL: It's Steve, right?

Darren: Well…

SL: No, wait! It's Evra!

Darren: Actually…

Steve: Me! Me! Me!

Darren: Not exactly…

SL: Kurda?

Darren: Hell no!

Steve: Me?

Darren: I already said no!

Steve: *Goes back to crying in the corner*

SL: Who then?

Darren: *Mumbles*

SL: What?

Darren: Mr. Crepsley!

Steve: …

SL: … *Clicks fingers and Mr. Crepsley appears*

Larten: Where am I? *Sees SL* Oh, no! Not this crazy witch again!

SL: *Witchy laugh* Anyway, Darren has something he'd like to say to you.

Darren: I do not!

SL: You do too! Go on, Darren. Tell Mr. Crepsley your feelings.

Darren: What feelings? T_T

Larten: Darren, do you have something to say or not? Because I do not take kindly to being woken up in the middle of the day for no reason.

SL: Go on – tell him, Darren!

*Momentary silence*

Darren: I love you, Mr. Crepsley! In a very homosexual way!

Larten: …

SL: Well, that definitely just upped the weirdness level around here.

Steve: You're telling me.

SL: Well, that concludes today's chapter. And here's a warning: there _will _be making out next chapter.

Steve: Me and Darren?

SL: No.


	4. Curtains

I made an error last chapter but I cba to correct it. It was actually _harkat fan _that requested Debbie get thrown in with the Wolf Man, not _Tainted Black 13. _Anyway, disclaimer time.

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own _The Saga of Darren Shan._ Poor me.

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><p>Steve: SL, what were you on last chapter?<p>

SL: Orange juice. It does to me what coffee does to Xan. (**A/N: **Makin' a reference to my other fic, _Daryl Shan_)

Darren: Mr. Crepsley's scared of me now T_T

Larten: *Mumbling*

Steve: Why are you updating anyway? Updating two days in a row makes you seem sad.

SL: I am sad. My bin gets out more than I do.

Larten: *Mumbling*

SL: Oh, Larten, quit your grumbling! I have something for you to do.

Larten: I do not have to kiss Darren or anything like that, do I?

Darren: *Winces*

SL: No, although that is something I'd like to see. You do have to kiss someone though. For the whole chapter.

Larten: A fangirl?

SL: Yes, a fangirl. Please welcome _wolfgal97 _to our imaginary stage.

Wolfgal: *Appears*

SL: Now, you too, go behind that curtain.

Wolfgal: *Happily pushes Larten behind the curtain*

Darren: *Winces*

Steve: Where do these curtains keep coming from?

SL: Okay…*Looks through other requests* Why are they all about Larten? Okay, so, Steve, _RangaJess _asks – and I quote – do you find it a) irritating or b) fun to be portrayed by the one, the only, supermegafoxyawesomehot Joshua Ryan Hutcherson in the Cirque Du Freak movie?

Steve: Er…fun, I guess.

SL: I think he's sexy. He's muscular.

Steve: I thought you didn't like muscular guys.

SL: Not the overly muscular types but a certain amount of muscularness can be hot.

Steve: Is muscularness a word?

SL: According to my spell check, no. And I used this exact same line in _Daryl Shan _but with 'pervertedness'. Anyway, _shan123 _asks Darren, why are you cute in the manga but not in the movie?

Steve: Because, as I said in _The Random Adventures of Darren Shan_, Chris Massoglia isn't hot enough to play Darren!

SL: I know, right? He's so awkward!

Darren: Wasn't the question directed at me?

SL: Yes, but I thought you were still scarred from the Mr. Crepsley issue.

Darren: *Winces*

SL: Plus Takahiro Arai is awesome – Darren looks so shota in the manga. I just wanted to point that out. Now, please welcome another special guest – _Tainted Black 13_!

TB13: *Rushes in, kisses Steve, then runs away*

Steve: …

Darren: The heck?

SL: You jelly?

Darren: No.

SL: Not even a little?

Darren: Nope.

SL: I am.

Steve: Don't worry, Sammy! You're still my only love.

SL: You have to say that, this is my fic. And lol, _Ozuma thy AWESOME Vampanatic 8 _requested that Steve kisses a girl this chapter, and he just kissed yet another guy. Anyway, come here, Stevey-poo! You can kiss me.

Steve: Do you count as a girl?

SL: I maybe a crossdresser but that doesn't make me a dude. Anyway, kiss me.

-Censored-

Darren: *Looks at watch* Okay, that's enough.

SL: *Grins* Okay, please welcome back to the stage Wolfgal and Larten!

Wolfgal and Larten: *Comes out from behind curtain*

SL: So, Larten, how was it?

Larten: *Blushes*

SL: How OOC. I'm guessing you enjoyed it then.

Larten: *Nods*

Darren: *Winces*

SL: Okay, so, that's enough for today. Come, Steve, we're going behind the curtain.

Steve: Yay!


	5. Hot Topic

I've had to change the rating on this fic cuz of you people XD

**Disclaimer: **OH NO!I've just been informed that I don't own _The Saga of Darren Shan._

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><p>SL: Larten, Arra's dead and no-one else will ever love you again! Well, apart from Darren…<p>

Larten: Was that really necessary?

SL: _Lady Purl _requested that we tease you about Arra.

_ferretgirlsz: _*Runs up to Larten, glomps him, then runs away*

Larten: …

SL: So, anyway, Larten, _DarrenShanForeva123 _asks "Do you hate John C. Reilly for having an afro-ish kinda thingy-ma-bobber on his head in the movie? 'Cause I do."

Larten: I do not hate him – I understand it must have been hard to find someone handsome enough to play me.

SL: Not full of yourself at all, are you? Now, also asked by _DarrenShanForeva123, _"Darren, how tall are you now? I bet I'm taller than you!"

Darren: I don't know…

SL: I'm bad at heights so I couldn't make an accurate guess. The point is Darren's shorter than everyone in this room. Anyway, DSF123 also tells Kurda to CUT HIS HAIR!

Kurda: But I like my hair long~

SL: Me too. When I was reading the scene in the manga before you got killed, all I could think about was how hot you looked. Yum. She also says Vancha, stop biting your nails. And she told me to do this. *Throws nail clipper at Vancha*

Vancha: *Catches it then throws it back* I will bite my nails if I want to, dammit!

RV: *Gets hit with nail clipper* Ow! Why me, man?

Darren: I thought he was dead.

SL: Yes, but I couldn't think of anyone else for it to hit. Now, DSF123 asks Mika "Where the h**l did you get that awesome cloak?"

Mika: Hot Topic.

Larten: How? You are not even from America.

Mika: International shipping.

SL: How do you even know about Hot Topic, Larten?

Darren: It's where he gets all his clothes.

Larten: Darren! That was supposed to be a secret!

Darren: That's what you get for breaking my heart!

SL: Okay, I'm going to interrupt you two before this conversation gets any creepier. Darren, you're going to love _VampireGurl458._

Darren: But I love Mr. Crepsley.

SL: You have no choice because this is my fic.

VG458: *Appears*

Darren: I love you!

VG458: I love you too!

Larten: Not that I care, but where was Leonard this chapter?

SL: I don't know, I guess Stevey-poo just wasn't needed in this chapter. Anyway, that's enough for today. Review. I dare you.


	6. I Love You, Master

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _The Saga of Darren Shan. _Or Kurda's hair.

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><p>SL: *Brushing Kurda's hair* Kurda, your hair is so pretty and long~!<p>

Kurda: I use lots of products.

SL: Of course you do. By the way, don't worry, _Tainted Black 13, _Kurdie won't be cutting his hair anytime soon. Oh, and the cake is a lie!

Seba: What cake? Is it a birthday cake? But it is not my birthday!

SL: Nevermind. Kurda, _DarrenShanForeva123 _says she loves your smexy hair really.

Kurda: Who doesn't?

SL: Larty, she also says you should be played by Robert Pattinson.

Larten: ...no. Just no.

SL: And she told me to do this... *Pats Darren's head* Shorty.

Darren: The whole short thing adds to my shotaness.

SL: Yes, it does. And RV *throws more nailclippers at him* DIE! DIE! DIE!

RV: Ow! I'm already dead, man!

SL: And about Hot Topic international shipping - I made that up. I don't think Hot Topic actually does international shipping.

Mika: Oh well, I'll just get my clothes from The Oasis Market.

SL: The Oasis Market is boss. DSF123 also recommends a place called Men's Warehouse. It apperantly smells of leather.

Mika: I like leather.

Larten: Me too.

SL: She also says that men in cloaks and capes are hot. Then she kind of ran away and hid in a corner.

Larten: I know I am hot.

Mika: I'm hotter.

SL: She also sends a hug to you, Stevey-poo. Here, I'll deliver it for her. *Glomps Steve*

Steve: Why was the last chapter so short? And where was I?

SL: _Ozuma thy AWESOME Vampanatic 8 _pointed out that you kissed a girl and then you disappeared. That made me LOL. As for why the last chapter was so short, I had one of my black outs.

Darren: Black outs?

SL: Sometimes when I'm writing my mind is on other things so I just black out and don't realize what I'm typing.

Steve: Next you'll be telling me that you hear voices in your head.

SL: I seriously do.

VampireGurl458: I love you, Darren!

Darren: I love you too.

Larten: Is she still here?

SL: She bribed me. Why? You jelly, Larty?

Larten: No.

SL: You know you are. Anyway, Darren, come here. You have two options – you either say "I love you, master" to three people of my choice or I'll put you in a maid outfit and lock you in a room with Steve.

Steve: I'd prefer the second one.

SL: I thought you loved me!

Steve: I like salt and pepper.

Darren: Who would request something like that?

SL: The same person who requested that Steve confesses his love to Paris Skyle, _MOeMoE KaGAmI._

Steve: *Winces*

SL: So, Darren, which will it be?

Darren: *Sighs* Fine, I'll do the "I love you master" thing.

SL: Okay, so, who shall I choose?

Steve: Me!

Larten: Not me.

SL: You should've kept quiet, Larty. Go on, Darren, tell him you love him.

Darren: I-I love you, Master. (**A/N **I imagine this kind of like the Daisuki meme LOL)

Larten: *Scowls*

SL: Now, just to make Stevey-poo happy, you can say it to him too.

Steve: Yay!

Darren: *Rolls eyes* I love you, Master.

SL: You can do better than that, Karen.

(**A/N **Free advertising, read _DarrenShanForeva123_'s Fem!Darren fic)

Darren: Karen?

SL: Just tell him you love him.

Darren: I love you, Master.

Steve: I love you too, Boo.

Darren: Boo?

SL: Hey! Forget about Salt, give Pepper some love too!

Steve: I love you, Sammy.

SL: I know you do. Now, Darren, who else should I have you confess your love to? How about Kurda?

Darren: NO!

SL: Vancha?

Darren: No!

Steve: Me?

SL: Shh, Stevey-poo, you had your turn. Darren, you shall confess your love to Evra!

(**A/N **More free advertising, read _sandy162_'s humour fic, _Fountains Are Evil _that was apparently inspired by my fics, yay!)

Evra: *Appears* Where have I been? You always forget me in all your fics!

SL: Sorry, sweetie. Anyway, Darren has something he'd like to say.

Darren: *Mumbles*

Evra: Huh?

Darren: I love you, Master!

Evra: Er…I love you too, Darren.

SL: Now, Darren, I'm going to put you in a maid dress and lock you in a room with Steve.

Steve: Yes, result!

Darren: What? But I thought I had a choice!

SL: I led you to believe that you had a choice. *Clicks fingers and Darren is now in a maid dress*

Steve: *Wiggles eyebrows*

SL: Now, into that room, you two!

Steve: I'm sure that room wasn't there a minute ago but I don't even care because I'm about to bake with Darren. (**A/N **Reference to a conversation between me and _sandy162) _

Darren: Oh no.

Steve: Oh yes.


	7. Forever Alone Day

**Happy...late...Valentine's Day, everyone! Or Forever Alone Day as I like to call it. First of all, I'd like to apologize for not updating in forever. I haven't been busy, it's really just because I'm lazy. I have been meaning to get back into fic writing again but you all mostly owe this chapter to **_shilo wallace _**because they left me a very lovely and inspiring review on one of my fics. So thankyou again! And also thankyou to everyone else who reviews and supports me! Even when I'm lazy and unmotivated ._.**

**Disclaimer:** Unfortunately I don't own _The Saga of Darren Shan. _

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><p>Darren: -Pokes Steve's lifeless body-<p>

SL: What are you doing?

Darren: He's been unconscious since I got here.

SL: -Kicks Steve-

Steve: -Rolls over-

SL: Dude, what's wrong with you?

Steve: It was Valentine's Day yesterday and I was forever alone. -Cries-

SL: Darren, say you love him.

Darren: I love you, Steve.

SL: There, problem solved. Now our first question is actually for me. _harkat fan _asks "Where is Harkat?" I...actually have no idea.

Harkat: -Casually strolls in- Did somebody...mention my name?

SL: Say hi to your fan, Harkat.

Harkat: Hello. Can I leave now?

SL: Sure. Now...Larten, where the heck are you? Larty? Larty!

Larten: -Suddenly in the room- What do you want? I am right here.

SL: Hi, Larty! Anyway, _harkat fan_ dares you to eat bat broth.

Larten: -Sighs- Fine. -Strolls over to a table at the other side of the room and noms on the bat broth-

Steve: Where did that table come from? And who made the bat broth?

Larten: -Finishes it and pushes the bowl away-

SL: So...

Larten: So what?

SL: You're so unenthusiastic. Anyway, Leonard!

Steve: What?

SL: You've got to make out with Evanna now, 'kay?

Steve: Hell no!

SL: I'm sorry but _MOeMoE KaGAmI _requested it. It's either her or Debbie and Debbie's dead.

Evanna: -Floats in- Must I do this?

Steve: Oh, great. Now there are two evil witches here and I have to kiss one of them.

Evanna: What did you call me?

Steve: Nothing. Let's just get this over with.

SL: Just pretend she's Darren, Steve.

Steve: Don't even say that. -Quickly pecks Evanna on the lips then goes to wash his mouth out with soap-

Evanna: … -Disappears-

-_CirqueDuFreakForever _randomly glomps Kurda in the background-

SL: Now, just to make _Ozuma thy Awesome Vampanatic 8 _happy, Vancha shall make a pointless appearance.

Vancha: -Drops like a ninja then throws one of his shurikens at Steve-

Steve: **-**Ducks- What the hell?

RV: -Gets hit with the shuriken- AH! Dammit, I hate my life.

Vancha: -Shrugs-

SL: Anyway, that's all for today, my lovelies. Sorry for being MIA. You'll hopefully be seeing more of me from now on.


End file.
